


Always been yours

by Boykingsam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 10:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3406679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boykingsam/pseuds/Boykingsam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam finally finds out what was really said on the voice note back in season 4.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always been yours

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, I'm righteousdean on Instagram so yeah !!

They say that time heals everything, that it could even mend a broken heart. Sam disagrees of course. He knows that nothing could fill the emptiness he feels inside. It has been a whole year since Lilith’s demise and Ruby’s death. There hasn’t been any signs of Lucifer and Sam thinks to himself that he should be grateful. He should be happy and relieved, but he isn't. He can't let his guard down, he knows this is all a trick. Monsters don’t deserve redemption, they don’t deserve to be forgiven. Sam knows that if anyone deserves a happy ending, it's Dean, not him. He knows what he is now and he knows that even though Dean doesn't bring it up anymore, he meant every thing he said in that voice note. He should feel upset that Dean has forgotten the horrid words he said to his little brother, but he doesn't. Instead, every time Dean smiles at him, he allows himself a single moment to feel good, to feel joy, to feel _normal_.

Though so much time has passed, Sam cannot allow his wounds to heal. Maybe Dean has forgiven him, but he hasn't forgiven himself, not yet. Perhaps it's time to talk about it, he thinks. _Then we could go back to being us again_ , he wants to say. Sam walks to his older brother's room and knocks on the door in front of him.

"Yeah?" Dean yells.

Sam takes this as a yes and opens the door. He realizes that his hands are shaking and even with the warmth of the bunker surrounding him, he's still cold to the core. Sam wants to leave, wants to say that it's too soon, but the rational part of him screams out _shut up Sam, it's been 365 days_. He has no other choice, even his mind begs for him to do this.

"De-." He stops. _Start again, you can do this_. "How co-." _Deep breaths_. "Why did you leave me that message?" He mumbles. "The day we killed Ruby." _There, good boy._

"What message Sammy?" Dean asks. His face is suddenly red and Sam can't tell why this would be something that could embarrass Dean. He was the one being called a monster.

"You s-said, you said I was a monster. You called me a freak." Sam has to sit down, his knees cannot hold him any longer. He looks right at Dean and notices how his brother looks completely lost and confused.

"Sam, if this is some kind of sick jok-."

"Why would I joke about this? Every day I wake up with your words ringing in my ears. I wish it was all a nightmare Dean, I wish it wasn't a memory." Sam whispers. He can't bring himself to look his brother in the eye any longer, he's afraid he might shatter from the shame.

"Sam I don't think we-." Dean stops.

He's thinking deeply and his eyebrows start to furrow. "Ruby." He whispers. "Shit, that mother fucking bitch!" Dean gets up and starts to search for something on his bedside table. "Where's that fucking phone?" He mutters. After a minute of searching all around his room, he finds his old cellphone buried underneath piles of ancient newspaper articles. Dean looks like he might cry and Sam doesn't know if he should take it the wrong way or not. Dean bends down beside Sam's chair, places the phone on his baby brother's lap and speaks.

"You listen to me Sammy, I neve-. I would never, okay? You have to know that. I could never do that to you, you're my b-." He wants to say brother, but he knows it's not enough. Sam is more than that to him. It has always felt like someone had carved a hole in Dean's chest and filled it with _Sam, Sammy, baby brother._ Sam is the blood running through his veins. How could he ever put that in words?

"Listen to this. Listen to this and make your own choice Sammy." Dean walks to the door and before slowly closing it, he says, "I'll wait for you, I've been waiting for you my whole life."

Sam doesn't know what he means by that, but it awakens a part of him that he had tried to hide for so long. The part of him that loves Dean, really loves him, in ways that aren't exactly 'brotherly'. He looks down at the phone laying on his lap and notices that Dean has opened it to a voice note that reads "Sammy". It's dated one year ago today and although he's worried he won't like what will come of this, he pushes away all the anxiousness and presses play.

" _Hey Sammy, my baby boy._ " It makes Sam shiver, and he feels his pants start to tighten. " _I don't know how you'll take this, don't know if it'll make you hate me or what. But you have to know Sam, you gotta know what you mean to me._ " In the recording, Dean pauses. Sam thinks that this is it, that this part must have been cut off and that now, Dean's going to call him a freak, a monster, an abnormality.

" _I love you. I love you so much I can't breathe sometimes._ "

Sam drops the cell phone and it bounces off his knee, onto Dean's red and black flannel. He wasn't expecting those words from his brother. He had already come to terms with the fact that he will never be worthy of Dean's adoration. This, this changed things. He bends down and picks up the phone.

" _I know. Fuck, I know you feel the same way. Sometimes I'd catch you looking at me, and Sam I wish I said this sooner, wish I wasn't so fucking stupid. But you were twelve, fourteen, sixteen. Fucking eighteen Sammy. Always too young. Always so close and too far away and I just didn't wanna lose you. Couldn't lose you._ "

Sam can't stop the tears from falling. This was everything he had ever needed.

" _I know I have no right to ask you this but please Sa- baby. Please don't go through with this. We can fix this together. We can have what we both want, so please._."

He could feel his heart pounding against his chest as he stood up and ran to open the door.

“.. _come home Sammy. Come home to me.”_

Dean was standing right in front of his little brother as those last words resonated throughout the bunker. He softly urged Sam against the wall and pushed their foreheads together. Sam slowly pressed his lips on to Deans before telling him,

"I was always home Dean, you've always been my home."


End file.
